yet.
i am…
totally turbulent, terribly translucent.
forever flexible, fiercely unfazed.
undoubtably unbreakable.
passionately passionate.
greatly guarded
and yet
overwhelmingly underwhelmed.
*
Jun
01
jet.
just found this one, dated june 17, 2011.
relevant.
Once again, a few months later, I am re-discovering that I have a blog that I can write stuff on and have people read it! Whenever I start writing again I feel like I always have some excuse as to why I haven’t written in awhile: too busy, too tired, too drained, too brain dead. I am, however, none of those things at this moment, which is probably why I am suddenly motivated to write, for the first time since becoming a college graduate, at 10:11 on a Friday night, a time when any other single 20-something would probably be out. Whatever.
Blah blah blah I graduated college. Blah blah blah I don’t have a job. You’ve heard it all before.
I have decided to move to Berkeley, California, where maybe I will go out on Friday nights. Maybe.
This decision came out of a Sunday night jaunt downtown with two college friends, we were sitting at a round table in What Ales You, scouting out the absolutely non-existent scene when my sister texted me: ‘even if you don’t get the job, you should still move here.’ In that moment of underwhelmed desperation, I texted back, sooner than I probably should have, ‘okay. call me tomorrow.’ The next morning, over a breakfast of bagels with Tofutti, scrambled eggs, and black coffee, I announced to my parents and best friend and roommate, that yes, I am going to move across the country to live with my sister just because, ‘I am bored.’ Seems pretty reasonable to me.
Since then, I still don’t know if I have the job in question (I’ll find out next week!) and I am still pumped about my decision. However, I am having those trippy internal moments when I space out for too long and suddenly get really upset that I am leaving the gorgeous state of Vermont. Thank god when those happen Christina is there to say ‘it is the people you will miss,and we won’t be here for much longer. Hopefully.’ Last night was a perfect example, sitting on Church Street, nursing my one dollar PBR, moping with Sam and Christina and joking that I should start a Twitter account entitled ‘ProblemsoftheUnemployed’ (think about that one for a second, I would have like 500 followers just from the name alone!), when all of a sudden I envisioned my world legitimately crumbling and leaving me in a mass of rumble and discarded shoes. Sam told me it was a great thing that I was moving to a giant fault line. I ignored that.
Although I currently have a small bank account, I have a big heart and a big mind and a big desire, and those are things money can’t buy. Soon I’ll have a job, and an apartment I can call my own, and some friends maybe, probably some plants to fill the apartment with oxygen, a sweet bike to ride around in, some great experiences, and a new West Coast Best Coast outlook. And hey, if things don’t work out, I can always move back East.
Enjoy the mov(i)e.
Blah blah blah I graduated college. Blah blah blah I don’t have a job. You’ve heard it all before.
I have decided to move to Berkeley, California, where maybe I will go out on Friday nights. Maybe.
This decision came out of a Sunday night jaunt downtown with two college friends, we were sitting at a round table in What Ales You, scouting out the absolutely non-existent scene when my sister texted me: ‘even if you don’t get the job, you should still move here.’ In that moment of underwhelmed desperation, I texted back, sooner than I probably should have, ‘okay. call me tomorrow.’ The next morning, over a breakfast of bagels with Tofutti, scrambled eggs, and black coffee, I announced to my parents and best friend and roommate, that yes, I am going to move across the country to live with my sister just because, ‘I am bored.’ Seems pretty reasonable to me.
Since then, I still don’t know if I have the job in question (I’ll find out next week!) and I am still pumped about my decision. However, I am having those trippy internal moments when I space out for too long and suddenly get really upset that I am leaving the gorgeous state of Vermont. Thank god when those happen Christina is there to say ‘it is the people you will miss,and we won’t be here for much longer. Hopefully.’ Last night was a perfect example, sitting on Church Street, nursing my one dollar PBR, moping with Sam and Christina and joking that I should start a Twitter account entitled ‘ProblemsoftheUnemployed’ (think about that one for a second, I would have like 500 followers just from the name alone!), when all of a sudden I envisioned my world legitimately crumbling and leaving me in a mass of rumble and discarded shoes. Sam told me it was a great thing that I was moving to a giant fault line. I ignored that.
Although I currently have a small bank account, I have a big heart and a big mind and a big desire, and those are things money can’t buy. Soon I’ll have a job, and an apartment I can call my own, and some friends maybe, probably some plants to fill the apartment with oxygen, a sweet bike to ride around in, some great experiences, and a new West Coast Best Coast outlook. And hey, if things don’t work out, I can always move back East.
Enjoy the mov(i)e.
*
Jun
01
week.
i’ll be gone in a week, she said, so maybe sometime before then.
she’s been here a year and i can count on four fingers the number of things we’ve done together.
i guess that what happens when you’re dragged across the country on somebody else’s agenda.
i’m not around because of you, but what if i were?
*
May
31
cry.
don’t play that song, she said, it makes me cry. but i played it anyway and she sat there with tears streaming down her face for no reason that i could think of except for the fact that she said that song made her cry and i played it anyway.
*
May
31
breaking.
i really want to see you tonight. but it makes no difference to me because i am trying to break your heart, heavy metal drummer. i’m not going outside. poor places, i’m not going outside. i sincerely miss trying to break you heart, beautiful and stoned. what was i thinking when i say hello, goodnight, all i can see is what we used to go see on the landing in the summer. american aquarium drinker, i don’t believe in touchdowns. hiding out, let go of you, big city blinking. tongue tied lightening, let’s for forget about when i said it didn’t hurt. please stop smiling, drinking, take from the inside. what was i thinking when you said it didn’t hurt. hold you, you quiet domino. take off your band aid. hello. held you tightly, love me like you did back then. asleep kept blinking.
what was i thinking when i let you back in. still,l i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t easy.
*a tribute to jeff tweedy.
*
May
30
lips.
you’re so white, he said, so white you need to go to the beach. but i’ll burn. my lips hurt, they’re chapped and cracking and bleeding and chapping over the cracking and the bleeding. that stung. i’m white because i’m white. i don’t need to go to the beach.
sometimes it’s good to feel the chappedness, the rawness, bleedingness. i guess that means you know that it’s there. and it’s better to be there, to be somewhere, than it is to be no where at all.
*
May
30
5.30.12
i desperately wanted to the world to end but then i realized that it was only beginning and the world was about to begin my world your world and the world inbetween i’m not sure but i do know that the best is yet to come not maybe who knows but it ended a long time ago when you left and we forgot to say goodbye.
in other words, hello, worlds collide hello hello hello.
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